Editor Christopher Writes: 06/05/15

I don’t really watch a lot of television as it is broadcast. Mainly because most of what is actually broadcast on a day-to-day basis is complete dross. Even at the mention of The Jeremy Kyle show my I.Q drops 20 points. The thought of TOWIE makes me physically sick. I don’t even know if Big Brother is still being made but the concept of it existing brings about a sensation of revulsion and dread. If anyone even starts talking to me about The X Factor, I develop an overwhelming rage that usually ends in me throwing a shoe at a listed building. Because of this aversion to broadcast television, I tend to miss adverts , some of which, as I understand it, have become quite popular. Like memes on t’internet. I’ve heard there is one where a cat and a budgie are singing to each other. And there was a John Lewis one with a penguin and an ignorant little child opening presents on Christmas Day before his parents had even gotten out of bed?

Anyway, I watch my shows on on-demand services. I’m fairly sure I get way more than my money’s worth from my Netflix subscription. And iPlayer probably can’t add content quick enough. On 4od, they have adverts, as a way of keeping it free I suppose. It’s not terribly intrusive. What is really annoying about it though is the fact they only show the same three or four adverts over and over, for a period of time. Usually it’s not too annoying but they have one at the moment for KFC which really infuriates me.

It starts with two ‘young people’ doing young people things in their home – ie not a great deal of anything. I think they might be students. If that’s the case then why the hell aren’t they at lectures? Or doing some reading. Mind you, they look dull enough to be doing something completely un-academic like a degree in…texting or something. I can’t imagine much studying needs to be done for that. The girl one shows the boy one an advert in the paper for the KFC Streetwise menu. Certain items on the menu are only 99p. They both beam like dolts and embark on an ‘epic’ mission to find money around the house, after discovering, much to their surprise, that they do not have any in their pockets. They’re STUDENTS. Of course they are poor!

They look down the back of the sofa, on shelves, under other stuff. There is a moment where the girl one is shown scooping some money from a bedside table. She is slightly crouched which to me would suggest she is creeping. Why would she be creeping? It surely can’t be her room. So she is stealing money from a room-mate. And this is something that KFC is endorsing! I mean, talk about clandestine evil. Not only that but it is suggesting that KFC is good enough to steal money in order to buy, which is the sort of thing drug addicts do. Is this KFC very subtly admitting, after all these years, that the secret ingredient in their famous recipe is indeed crack?

Look, I’m not here to start a conspiracy theory so let’s move on. The money that they find around the house is all in copper denominations. After their Finders-Keepers style raid of the house, in which they cannot have found more than about 50p from what is shown, they are shown in a KFC outlet with a veritable feast. It cannot be less than about £6 from what is shown. How the hell did they afford all that?! A continuity error that cannot be forgiven.

The most annoying thing about the advert though is how messy and disorganised those students are. They clearly are not wasting time actually doing any studying so you would think that would leave more time to have some pride in their home. I mean, they are finding change EVERYWHERE! There is a moment where the boy one finds a washer and just throws it on the floor. NO! Bad boy one. Either put it in a designated place for such items or put it in the bin. And they would not have had to scrabble around the entire house looking for change if they had a dedicated place for change, such as a jar, or a bowl, or their wallet. Even a charity box. Stop wasting money on fast food, get to Aldi, feed yourself for a month for about £20 and be a little more altruistic.

And f**king clean up after yourself.

On a lighter note, today I had a telephone assessment with a Healthy Minds service. They have recommended I take part in cognitive behavioural therapy. They gave me a choice between telephone sessions or group sessions. I picked the group sessions because I thought it might be more conducive to getting better. I may start using this blog for a little bit of therapy too. Here is a poem:

She asks in an automated tone

if I have ever tried to take my own life.

‘No’ I reply.

‘OK, next ques’

I interrupt her.

‘Well, I was crossing the road one day,

a few years ago. I had headphones on.

I think I was walking to Sainsbury’s. I

came to a crossroad junction and stepped out.

I felt a hand on my back and I was dragged

from the road. I watched as a bus

flew past my nose, barely an inch away.’

She falls silent on the phone. I can hear

her typing my response into her computer.

‘I don’t think you understood the question,

Mr Smith.’ She untonally challenged me.

‘Hang on. I took my headphones off

and looked at the man who had saved my life. He asked

me if I was OK. Of course I wasn’t

bloody OK. I had almost died and he saved my life.

Who the hell did he think he was to do that?’

I hear more typing over the phone

and await the inevitable cross-examination

of my mental well-being.

‘So to summarise what you said, Mr Smith,

you were walking home, yes? And you were crossing the road

and a bus almost hit you and a man saved your life

and you were angry at him. I do not think

that completely answers the question. Have you ever tried to

take your own life or harm yourself?’

I sigh away from the phone as I start to roll a cigarette.

‘Well I once dutch-ovened myself after a vindaloo,

does that count?’

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